What If…?

What if…? is a new series about great moments in the history of God’s people when things could have taken a decidedly twisted turn if… Today we’re going through the looking glass into a world that asks, “What if the majority of evangelicals of today influenced the actions of characters in the biblical story as we know it?” Today’s “what if” story takes place between 2 Samuel 11 and 12.

God: “Nathan.”
Nathan: “Yes, Lord? Your servant is listening.”
God: “David has sinned against Bathsheba, her husband Uriah, the people of Israel and against me. Go and confront him with a parable.”
Nathan: “Woah. That seems judgy. David is a king, not a priest. What he did is in the past.”
God: “It was a month ago.”
Nathan: “People change.”
God: “Nathan, I want you to confront David about his sin.”
Nathan: “What, you’d rather have Saul, he was a terrible king? Or are you a communist maybe and just want end the monarchy?”
God: “Well, I’ve never been a monarchist but that’s not the point. To confront David and be honest about his sin doesn’t make me a communist.”
Nathan: “…”
God: “Did you just give me the side-eye?”
Nathan: “Look, the people love David and nobody has done more for the people of God than David has. He’s very pro-YHWH.”
God: “Sinning against Bathsheba and Uriah and Israel is the very definition of being anti-God.”
Nathan: “He who is without sin…”
God: “Ahem.”
Nathan: “Right, right, but still, have you seen the economy. Clearly you’re blessing is on David, the Tel Aviv stock exchange numbers are through the roof. And my prophetic ministry got a forgiveable loan of a million shekels – this king is really good for us right now…”
God: “Nathan, my patience is great and my love is everlasting but you’re starting to piss me off.”
Nathan: “Well, think about your own reputation. A lot of YHWH worshippers might fall away if we make a big fuss about this. If David can mess up so badly what can we believe about anything? What’s the point of even following YHWH? Really, it’s in your own best interest to keep this on the DL. Think of how many lives David’s songs have touched – do you want to undo all that good?”
God: “But he’s abused a woman, killed her husband and brought a curse on the nation by his wrong doing.”
Nathan: “Let me be honest, we need the revenue from his Psalm sales. The 23rd still gets covered so much that we’ll soon be able to build a wing onto the Temple for the new King and Me gift shop from the royalties. A scandal right now could jeopardize that. Don’t you want people to buy YHWH branded sweatshirts and King David branded slingshots? It spreads your fame. We’ve even sourced them from that country to the east for pennies so you’re name is even being spoken of out there.”
God: “Nathan, enough. Go and confront David. Now. This will be the ruin of a nation.”
Nathan: “Look, let’s do this, let’s let the people decide. What could go wrong? If they vote to have him removed, I’ll confront him, if they vote for him, he will stay.”
God: “I can tell you now that he will lose.”
Nathan: “I think so too, I’m positive you will give him the victory. Look at all the good he’s done. Ask any of his wives.”
God: “No, Nathan, I said he will lose.”
Nathan: “Whew, so glad we’re on the same page on this, you’ve already given him the victory. Nice. Just have to watch those pesky Levites – they keep trying to give the tithe away to the poor and keep pushing us to declare a year of jubilee and cancel everyone’s debts and return people’s family property to them. I’m pretty sure they’re socialists and they obviously hate you. We can always sue them if the vote goes the wrong way.”
God: “What? Why do you think the Levites hate me?”
Nathan: “Last year at Passover I was wearing my “Make Israel Great Again” hat to Temple and one of the Levite priests said to me, and you won’t believe this, “when has Israel ever been great?” Can you believe that? Clearly they hate you.”
God: “But I would have asked the same question…I HAVE asked the same question.”
Nathan: “Really? Doesn’t sound like you. We may need to talk about branding and getting you on brand if you’re going to keep inspiring Scripture.”
God: “Nathan, I am going to deal severely with David for what he has done in sinning against Bathsheba, her husband Uriah, the people of Israel and Me. You must confront him that his heart may be broken and he turns back to me.”
Nathan: “Look, it’s not that I’m exactly against doing what you want, obviously, but I think you may not have your eye on the big picture and you may have been influenced by fake news and the Never-Daviders. Let’s do this, you go visit with Rush Limbowitz and Sean Hannerberg, watch some Little Foxes News; they know what’s really going on here. I mean, according to them Uriah was a jerk who had it coming and David didn’t really know anything about the reassignment anyway. And who can trust the word of a woman who baths on the roof in broad daylight? Am I right?”
God: “Nathan. Do you remember the plagues I sent on Egypt? You’re about to be hit by all of them at once.”

Published by APastor'sStory

Trying to squeeze this life for all the juice I can get out of it.

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